Dan had two teenage sons playing baseball on two different teams … and they were in the middle of tournaments. Need I say more?

“Sometimes I wonder if we’re doing the right thing,” he said, adding that both boys had been chosen for all-star teams. He and his wife wanted to help their kids develop their God-given talents, but at what cost to the family?

It’s never been easy to be a parent. And with today’s endless activities, sometimes families find little time to actually be at home. I asked some friends how they attempt to bring balance to the hectic pace of life. Here are some of their tips for busy parents:

1. As you choose activities, put God first.Consider the spiritual impact that activities could have on the family. Are there Sunday ballgames or Wednesday night practices that will interfere with your church services?
2. Protect your marriage in the busyness of life.Does your spouse feel like you spend more focused time with the kids than you do with him/her? Could this be relieved by carpooling or limiting the children’s involvement on various sports teams or school clubs? Have you reserved special time for just you and your spouse?
3. Pray about activities. One dad said, “Making choices for our kids requires an enormous amount of prayer … for wisdom and discernment, and an enormous amount of courage as choices made often require standing against the tide.”
4. Remember that your primary God-given responsibility as a parent is to point your children to Jesus Christ and to help them grow in their faith and love for the Lord(Deuteronomy 6:1-9; John 8:31). Is there enough time in your schedule for the family to study God’s Word together and to discuss spiritual issues?
5. Focus on key activities that are important to you and your children.This will result in saying “no” to some good things to have time for what you feel is best for each child.
6. Don’t expect your children to appreciate the sacrifices that you make to help them develop their abilities. Most children won’t understand this until they have children of their own. One stepmom added, “Give time, energy, and love to stepchildren without the expectation of the child automatically responding with love.”
7. Compare calendars with your spouse on a regular basis. Doing this will help you identify a stuffed schedule. One friend said to include these questions: “Are we overloaded? Do we need to say ‘no’ to new opportunities or cancel lower priority commitments?”
8. Schedule regular family meetings so everyone is aware of all of the activities and no one feels left out.
9. Organize family work efforts. Example: “Let’s all clean the house” or “Let’s get the yard work done.” One dad said, “Too often parents are doing the household chores and the kids are playing video games. Kids need chores … they can make major contributions to the operation of a household.”
10. Teach the kids how to do their own laundry (on an age-appropriate basis). Children in on-the-go families can be a big help by washing their own sheets, sorting their dirty clothes, folding their clean clothes, matching socks, etc.
11. Schedule a date night at home once a week with your spouse. For example, purchase a favorite dessert from a nearby bakery or restaurant. When the kids go to bed, enjoy it with your spouse and talk about the high and low points of your week.
12. Plan margin in your calendar – time that is not allocated to anything.One friend said, “We have had opportunities to help neighbors or bring a meal to someone in need. Many of those things wouldn’t happen if our schedule were jam-packed.”
13. Take time to laugh as a family and enjoy being together. Keep a joke book in the car and have the kids share jokes when driving to various activities.
14. When time to cook a meal will be limited because of activities, use a slow cooker.You will know that a healthy meal is cooking at home while you are on the ball field or carpooling kids to piano lessons or band practice.
15. Cook in large batches and freeze meals ahead of time to use on busy days (remember to date the containers).
16. Choose one night a week (example: “Terrific Thursday”) for special family activities.Go out for ice cream together, play a board game, watch a movie, etc.
17. If you have a dog, ask your spouse or a child to walk the dog with you.Doing this helps slow down the pace of a busy routine and provides time for good conversations.
18. Get involved in things as an entire family instead of doing countless individual activities. One mom said, “We serve together at church or all attend discipleship groups on the same evening, so we are not shuttling on different nights.”
19. Get enough rest and reserve time for yourself in the family schedule.
20. Create one-on-one time for each child to do something fun with just Mom, and also special time for each child to be with just Dad.

Today’s parents are raising their children in a world that offers nonstop opportunities. Too often “balance” seems to be an elusive dream. But with God’s help and determination, busy parents like Dan can learn to control their schedules … so their schedules won’t control them.

By. Mary May Larmoyeux

Copyright ©2013 by FamilyLife. Used with permission. 

https://www.cru.org/us/en/communities/families/20-ideas-for-busy-parents.html

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Don’t you hate it when you see a couple arguing in public?

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting at my gate in an airport, waiting to board a plane. Nearby was a young couple with a baby, and observing them was like watching someone open a can of Coke after shaking it for 30 seconds. I knew what was about to happen, and I wanted to duck for cover.

They were frazzled and frustrated. Each wanted to relax and let the other person take care of a cranky baby and a pile of carry-on items. The husband appeared to be one of those men who gets angry whenever things don’t go as he wishes.

As they walked down the ramp to the plane, the wife received a phone call. She wanted her husband to hold the baby while she talked, and he exploded. “I’ve been taking care of her all day long!” he complained (loudly). “You’re always on the phone.”

“You’ve hardly helped at all,” she replied. “And you’re never on the phone yourself?”

It went on from there, all the way down the ramp. I wondered how they treated each other behind closed doors if they acted like this in public.

Fortunately they calmed down on the plane, thanks to the intervention of a saintly flight attendant who showered them with attention and encouragement. She did everything she could to make the flight pleasant for them, and that seemed to relieve the pressure.

It appeared that this couple had no clue about how to resolve conflict in their relationship. But I found myself thinking about an underlying cause of their conflict: They seemed to be operating under the common worldly pattern of marriage – the “50/50 Plan.” She felt she was doing her part in raising their daughter, and her husband was not doing enough. He seemed to feel the same about her.

As discussed in Family Life’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways, the 50/50 Plan is based on performance. Typically, couples work out some sort of agreement about how they’ll divide family responsibilities and household duties, declaring, “You do your part, and I’ll do mine.” Acceptance and affection is often tied to how well each spouse does his or her part. As Dennis Rainey writes in Starting Your Marriage Right, “Performance becomes the glue that holds the relationship together, but it isn’t really glue at all. It’s more like Velcro. It seems to stick, but it comes apart when a little pressure is applied.”

On the surface, the 50/50 Plan sounds reasonable – why shouldn’t both spouses pledge to do their part? But in the end, it won’t work, for a number of reasons:

• You can never meet all of your spouse’s expectations.
• Inevitably you focus on your spouse’s weaknesses and failures and lose sight of your own.
• It’s impossible to know when your spouse has met you halfway.

The truth is that both spouses in a marriage are sinful, flawed human beings, and both want their own way. As Rainey continues: “What a marriage needs is the super glue of Philippians 2:3: ‘Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself.” It’s what we refer to as the 100/100 Plan, which requires a 100 percent effort from each of you to serve your spouse.

The Bible describes this plan well in Matthew 22:39: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” There’s no closer neighbor than the one you wake up to each morning! And since most of us love ourselves passionately, we are well on the way to implementing the 100/100 Plan if we take a similar approach to loving our spouses.

Start by stating the 100/100 Plan like this: “I will do what I can to love you without demanding an equal amount in return.”

With the 100/100 Plan, both husband and wife are willing to step in and do all the work. At home, both are willing to get the chores done. At the airport, both are willing to care for a fussy baby.

The 100/100 Plan allows for the inevitable trials and difficulties that any couple will encounter during the different seasons of life. It keeps a family going when one spouse is sick or injured, or working odd hours, and is therefore unable to contribute as much. It allows for the richness of a relationship in which each spouse complements the other because of differing strengths, personalities, and abilities.

In short, it’s the plan that provides the best picture of a biblical marriage.

By. Dave Boehi

Copyright © 2009 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
This article originally appeared in the January 26, 2009 issue of Marriage Memo, a weekly e-newsletter.

https://www.cru.org/us/en/communities/families/why-50-50-plan-fails-in-marriage.html

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Tuesday morning dawned like any other normal July morning in our house. However, things soon changed as I drove home after dropping my kids off at their summer activities. Without warning, I suddenly felt extremely dizzy and almost blacked out.

Although I could barely see, I managed to pull into a parking space. I dropped my head on the steering wheel and prayed, “Lord, please let me get home.” I was only a block away. My vision cleared somewhat, and I slowly drove home. My next prayer was that my husband, Dennis, would still be at the house. I made my way through the door, greatly relieved that my second prayer was answered. Dennis was home.

We rushed to the hospital. I reclined in the passenger seat, my heart racing at 200 to 300 beats per minute. My mind raced too. How long would it last this time? It had been seven years since we’d discovered my congenital heart problem. Why was it happening again? Why now?

The Big Surprise

Approximately three months before this traumatic Tuesday, I had discovered another unexpected plan God had for my life. We were nearing the end of an unusually busy spring, and I was feeling particularly stretched with our five children. They were normal, active, curious children with five different personalities and five different sets of needs and problems.

I found out I was pregnant, and I was completely caught off guard by the news.

I was physically sick, drained mentally and tired just thinking about six children.

Learning to Trust God’s Will

The next two months were hard. Life was reduced to whatever took the least amount of effort. I felt so overwhelmed and cried out to God. I acknowledged that He had a plan for my life, and I believed that He knew what was best for my family and me. But on many days, feelings of discouragement and inadequacy would take over. I continued to fight my recurring fears: “Would it happen again?” “Will our baby be OK?” “How could I do what God was asking me to do?”

During this time, I turned to the Bible, and Isaiah 41:10 stuck out to me:

“Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand” (Revised Standard Version).

I reread it several times, “Fear not, for I am with you, I will help you.” It was encouraging to know that God would give me the strength and the help I needed.

Finding Strength

Back to that Tuesday in July. I lay in the intensive care unit. My heart was out of control. I felt helpless and concerned about my unborn child. I knew that God could heal and protect, but I also knew that He was the giver and the taker of life. I prayed simply that He would protect our baby and spare its life and mine.

After two hours of trying different medications, the doctor induced sleep and retimed my heart using an electric shock treatment. When I woke up, the nurse told me I was OK and that the baby’s heartbeat was a strong 152 beats per minute. I was so relieved that I cried for joy because of God’s goodness to me.

Through that pregnancy and hospitalization, I learned that accepting God’s will for my life can be a difficult assignment. Sometimes, God’s will requires an adjustment. It may also carry a price tag called suffering — whether it be emotional, mental or physical.

But even though things can be hard, the Bible tells us God’s will is good. In the book of Romans, verse 12:2, it says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will” (New International Version).

Laura Victoria Rainey was born on a cold January night. She was healthy and unaffected by my racing heart episode. She has added many joys and smiles to our family.

Looking back, that experience taught me a lot. Even though there were times I wished I was Cinderella and the wave of a magic wand could give me an escape, I learned to trust God’s direction in my life. I learned that He would enable me to do what He had planned. Another Bible verse that really helped me to see this is 1 Thessalonians 5:24 (NIV): “The one who calls you is faithful, and He will do it.”

The question I asked myself, I will now ask you for you too may find yourself in the middle of a plan that is not by your design: “What difference will this part of God’s will make in your life? Will you resist and insist on your own plan, or will you allow God to lead your decisions?” The choice is yours and mine.

Interested in more resources for family and marriage? Visit familylife.com.

By. Barbara Rainey

@ 2006 FamilyLife. All rights reserved. Adapted with permission from FamilyLife.

https://www.cru.org/us/en/communities/families/when-your-life-is-no-cinderella-story.html

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I was so trapped in my sin that I didn’t know how to break free.

It began as a search on classmates.com. I was looking for college friends when Danny’s name just popped into my head.* I shot him a quick e-mail, and he responded from overseas. And so began a three-year online affair that almost destroyed two families.

Although the online affair started as a friendship, this changed when Danny and I began to share our marital problems with each other. It’s easy to become vulnerable to another man coming in and telling you what you want to hear … replacing him for your husband as your friend and confidant. We never physically saw each other during the three years, but I was ready to end my marriage because of him.

I felt like my husband, Bill, and I were basically roommates. I had a “pity me” outlook, thinking that life is all about me and that I deserve to be happy. I believed Bill cared little about me as a person.

The children (then 16, 12, and 7) saw my husband and me argue a lot, and the stress level in our home was like a roller coaster. Despite this, when I said that I wanted to separate, Bill seemed surprised. He realized there was distance in our relationship but hadn’t been able to figure out why. That’s because I had not shared my deep feelings of discontentment with him, and my relationship with Danny was a secret.

A Cold Heart

Then Bill heard about a contest on a local radio station, KCIS. They were giving away a Weekend to Remember® marriage conference  for the best answer to, “Why our marriage needs a Weekend to Remember.” Bill entered … and won.

He hoped the conference might breathe new life into our marriage. While I reluctantly agreed to attend, I was determined not to change my mind about leaving Bill. I felt that I could not live the rest of my life with him. The thought of that was terrifying.

When Bill and I stepped into the conference ballroom in the winter of 2005, my heart was cold towards him and God. I put myself in what I call “Survival Mode.” I decided that I would get through the day and fall apart later. Deep down inside I was afraid that God would try to reach me, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted that. I had been very good at justifying my sin and my rights.

I felt nervous at the Weekend to Remember. Although I had been truthful in letting Bill know I was at my wit’s end in the marriage, he knew nothing about Danny. I really began to feel the weight of my sin pushing down on me.

I felt like the wall that was up around my fantasy life was slowly being chipped away and crumbling. I wrestled with the principles and Scriptures that were presented. It was eye-opening when one of the speakers explained that God had given me Bill, and for me to not accept him was to refuse a perfect gift from God.

At the conference, Bill and I realized that a lot of our problems stemmed from a lack of communication skills. We recognized our pattern of arguing and then sweeping the issues under the carpet until they flared up again. Until the Weekend to Remember, we didn’t know how to solve problems and communicate in a godly manner.

We learned that we needed to listen to each other without attacking. We realized that it’s okay to be different … that it’s a blessing and not a hindrance.

Growing Closer, but Feeling Trapped

After the marriage conference we started going to a marriage counselor at our church. I started to see some wonderful changes in Bill. Instead of focusing on what he thought his rights were in our marriage, he wanted to serve, understand, and encourage me. He didn’t pressure me at all concerning our sexual relationship and let me know that he loved me for me and not for sex. We started to cultivate companionship in our relationship. Bill began to listen to my needs as a woman, and he told me that he cherished me and wanted to meet my needs.

Despite my growing love for Bill, I continued in my secret online affair. At the same time I was in a woman’s Bible study and the conference material was embedded in my mind. I slowly recognized my sin as sin and knew that true healing could not begin until I chose to end my relationship with Danny and tell Bill. But I just didn’t know how to do this and felt trapped.

As I was struggling with God about when to tell my secret, He decided to choose the time for me.

A Life-Changing Phone Call

I’ll never forget that April morning when the kids, Bill, and I were all enjoying a beautiful spring day. We had just returned from vacation and were talking in the kitchen. I can even remember hearing birds chirping. That tranquil picture disintegrated when I answered a phone call from Danny’s wife. Bill was standing by me so I couldn’t hide what was going on. She had found our e-mails and was livid.

I told Bill that the e-mails were from the early years of my marriage, and said that I had not been in recent contact with Danny. He believed me until Danny’s wife called him at work and left a detailed message about how recent the affair was.

Bill called and confronted me over the phone. I confessed and felt as if my world was coming to an end. I couldn’t get control over my emotions or myself. I wanted to die at that point and Bill was devastated.

We went to our counselor, and I confessed the affair to him. He told us that I needed to e-mail Danny, with Bill beside me, and tell him that I never wanted to have contact with him again. I did what he said, and it was a breaking point for me. I realized that I was so far into sin and that it was about to cost me dearly with my husband, kids, and my relationship with God. I didn’t want that. I made a vow that day to repent fully and turn completely from this affair.

My husband extended forgiveness to me immediately. I’m so thankful for the godly man I have been given.

True Freedom

Bill and I returned to our second Weekend to Remember last November. I went to that conference free … free of sin, free of guilt, free to hear everything God wanted me to hear to impact my marriage for Him. My ears were truly open and eager to absorb the material. It was also very emotional for me. I felt twinges of regret that I had grieved God so much and wounded my husband.

I have gone from a place where I had no feelings of love for my husband to a place where I now can receive him as my perfect mate. To see our love bloom is amazing. Although the journey has been very painful, I never thought that God could change the hardness of my heart.

Today the kids are thriving. They are learning better communication skills because Bill and I are modeling them. They all signed the bottom of our marriage recommitment certificate, and it hangs on our bedroom wall. Seeing us work through such a difficult time with the love of our church family and God has given the kids a feeling of safety and stability. They know that God can do anything in even the most hopeless situation.

It’s hard to believe that I became emotionally detached from my own husband and felt emotionally connected to a man who lives across the ocean. Sometimes I shake my head and wonder: How did it happen?

I was just so far in sin and didn’t know how to break free. I felt as if I was leading a double life. It was exhausting. The weight of carrying on that deception finally got unbearable. I praise God that He revealed my sin. My prayer is that no other woman will take that step over the line like I did.

*Danny is a fictitious name.

By. Lisa Jarrell

Reprinted with permission from The Family Room.

https://www.cru.org/us/en/communities/families/unmasking-online-affair.html

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Social media can be a great way to find connection and conversation. People share everything from what they did over the weekend to their favorite events to causes they care about. Just today, I scrolled through some impassioned posts related to politics, parenting and college football. Those are certainly three areas that get people taking sides.

You may or may not be using social media to sway people to your ideas, but chances are you’re passionate about something.

What am I passionate about? Well, here’s part of my list:

• Movies.
• Vacation and travel.
• Mystery novels and biographies.
• My home state of Oregon.
• Playing golf on a beautiful sunny day.

You could probably create a similar list of passions. What are the interests that capture your attention and the activities that fill your free time? What are the things you like to talk about?

What Really Matters?

As I look at my list, though, I’m struck by the fact that these are all temporal things that give me pleasure. As much as I love playing golf on a sunny vacation day in Oregon while talking about college football, I also know that there are more important things to focus on — things that move me to action

So, here’s another list of my passions:

• I’m passionate about God and my relationship with Him. Forty years ago, I was a college sophomore with little sense of direction, and God opened my eyes to understand my sin and His provision for that sin through Jesus Christ. My life has never been the same.
• I’m passionate about being a husband, a father and a grandfather. As Merry and I celebrate our anniversary, I realize that each year is sweeter than the one before. I’m proud of my two wonderful daughters, who are now married, as well as my grandson, Carter.
• I’m passionate about God’s calling for my life — to use the skills He has given me in writing and editing to influence people for Christ. I love hearing stories about people whose lives are changed after reading something in an article, book or Bible study that I wrote or edited.
• I’m passionate about being a part of an organization that is helping build godly families. In a time when so many people are struggling with their family relationships, I believe God has raised up the ministry of FamilyLife to provide answers.

My first list of passions consists of my interests. This second list is all about the things of God — and these are the passions I want to define my life.

What Are You Passionate About?

So what captures your allegiance and inspires your passion? You probably could develop an initial list, just as I did, of your interests and hobbies and greatest joys — the things you love doing.

But beyond that, what are the most important things in your life? If you stripped away all the items on your initial list, what would remain? What are the passions that move you to action?

Many of you could answer these questions about your interests, but some of you may have given little thought to your passions. Here are a few questions to spark some fresh thinking:

1. Are you satisfied with your passion for God and your relationship with Him? What needs to change so that He becomes your focus in life? (Read Matthew 22:35-40.)
2. How do you want people to remember you?
3. What would others say you are most passionate about?
4. What convictions has God given you?
5. How has God gifted you?
6. What do you want to accomplish in your relationships?
7. How have you seen God use you to influence others?

By. Dave Boehi

© 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved. Used with permission. For more helpful information on strengthening your marriage and family, please visit www.familylife.com.

https://www.cru.org/us/en/communities/families/find-your-spiritual-passion.html

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Nick DeCola & Ross McCall

Why not explore building stronger friendships with an email series designed for you? Take The Deeper Dive.  

Enter the search terms “loneliness” and “men” into Google and notice many options it gives you. Millions.

Major media outlets including the Boston Globe, New York Times and Huffington Post have all published studies on the phenomenon of male loneliness and its potential to become a health crisis.

As Christians there’s a temptation to think these societal problems aren’t affecting our communities to the same degree. We live in communities based on grace and truth. The danger comes when we take for granted that people in the church are doing significantly better than those outside it. If we don’t see the problem, it must not be there. If we ask the men in our midst the right questions they might tell a different story.

So what is coming between Christian men and the sense of brotherhood they long for?

Vulnerability scares us more than skydiving.

Men are the masters of saying a lot without giving much away.

Many men want great friendships without any risk factor. Sharing an area of struggle or telling someone that you want to get to know them better feels risky. It is risky. People can misunderstand us, judge us or otherwise disappoint us. If we’re honest, we’ve all known some form of rejection in our lives and we’d prefer to avoid that in our future. But the ability to be our authentic selves, our good, bad and ugly selves, is impossible without vulnerability.

Too many men’s events are full of talk about how we can be warriors for God, while ignoring the realities of men who are losing their battles. Our common enemy loves to see an isolated Christian, and many are hiding in the corners of our gatherings or choosing not to come.

If this is you, you’re not alone. If you’re unsure who you can be real with, ask God to point you in the right direction.

We don’t see each other in 3D.

If you only see friends once a week for a Bible study, are you doing life together or checking boxes?

Information alone doesn’t change our beliefs or lead to transformation. Biblical truth experienced through meaningful relationship is a recipe for life change.

Snake hunting in the Everglades. Eleven hours binge-watching HBO’s “Band of Brothers” in camouflage clothing. Monday night football. Coffee and acoustic music. Men need meaningful time with men, whatever form it takes.

We can have great friendships with women, but if that’s all we have it’s a sign that something is amiss in how we relate to other men.

Do something together with no obvious spiritual value. Having fun is a spiritual activity because it lowers the defenses we often put up in small group settings, and allows people to see another side of us.

We paddle in shallow honesty while craving deeper water.

Accountability is a popular term among Christian men. If we say it enough times each week we must be doing something right – right?

The danger is that we fall into the trap of attending a weekly men’s group and confessing the same thing without committing to whatever it takes to change. It’s not authentic because it lacks the courage to look at what’s driving our behavior. We need men to speak into our situation in a robust way.

Are you willing to let others ask you questions you don’t want to answer?

Are you willing to ask someone those questions?

You might have to put your superficial friendship on the line to reach for something better, but if nothing changes, nothing changes.

We search in vain for the “right” small group.

Men’s groups and events abound. We often look for the perfect group based on our stage in life and our first impressions of other people in the group. But this presents two problems. We won’t feel safe with people until we’ve been through something with them. And once the perfect group includes someone as imperfect as you, it’s days are numbered.

Deeper friendships take more time than we’re used to giving anything these days. They also involve working through conflict, which we try to avoid at all costs.

We’ve lost the art of living for others.

The paralytic in Mark 2 could never have had an audience with Jesus without his four friends tearing a hole in the roof and lowering him down. They went the extra mile.

Do you ever feel paralyzed in your life as a Christian man?

Do you know others who fit that description?

What lengths will you go to for each other?

It might be taking calls in the middle of the night or offering to have your friend live with you while they work through something. It might be something much simpler. What’s certain is that you’ll need to do more than “like” your friend’s Facebook posts, but so will they.

This pursuit of deeper relationships is how you really want to live, because it’s how you were designed to live.

We cannot become our truest selves alone.

Why not explore building stronger friendships with an email series designed for you? Take The Deeper Dive.

Many of us have had mixed experiences with male role models growing up, but if we choose to avoid pursuing male friendships we stand no chance of healing old hurts. Those open wounds will wait patiently for the chance to hit you with a sucker punch.

Has your experience of male community been a mile wide and an inch deep? Tell us your story. Comment below.

Check out more resources for Christian men.

Find a Cru community suited to you.

https://www.cru.org/us/en/blog/life-and-relationships/men/dear-christian-man-why-are-you-so-lonely.html

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Learn 5 ways to avoid conflict in your marriage before fighting begins.

Tim & Joy Downs

Conflict begets conflict, and that’s why every couple’s focus should be on preventing conflict before it ever begins. Talk to each other, encourage and thank each other, and let grace abound.

One of the most common sources of conflict in marriage is conflict itself; we grow angry and cross because we’re fighting all the time.

When every minor annoyance or irritation becomes the topic of a discussion, a downward spiral begins: Why is she so picky? Why does he have to complain about everything?

Couples can prevent conflicts before they ever begin. Here are 5 practical suggestions to help you break out of that business partnership and get a marriage going again.

1. Show up for the marriage.

To succeed at any event, you have to show up. You showed up for the wedding; why miss the rest of the marriage?

The first and foremost principle of dedication building is that you have to find time to be together.

Before you glibly check this item off your to-do list, allow us to clarify: Developing dedication requires a certain kind of time together.

It requires getting your mind and your body in the same room at the same time. It means choosing activities other than watching DVD s. Do something that will cause you to actually (gasp) interact with each other.

It means time to slow down and time to focus on anything other than the job, the kids, or next week’s carpool schedule. It means time to be together as lovers and not just as business partners.

This kind of time is hard to find. If it’s been a while since the 2 of you have shown up for the marriage, you may find at first that it’s even harder to know what to do with the time when you find it.

2. Talk about something else.

For years we made the mistake of taking our calendars with us when we went out to lunch. We would end up spending every minute of our time discussing the details of next week’s schedule: the kids, the dentist, the car repair, the dry cleaning . . .

When was the last time you asked your mate what she thought about art (and not taking the kids to the art museum)? About politics (and not changing your voter registration)? About God (and not next week’s church activities)? When was the last time you talked to your mate about anything other than business?

Life is busy, and it takes a lot of planning and coordination just to get things done. But to become more dedicated to your mate, you need to know more about your mate. From time to time, you need to talk about something else.

3. Heap on encouragement and praise.

Samuel Johnson once said, “Praise, like gold and diamonds, owes its value only to its scarcity.”

We’ve discovered a fundamental principle of marital economics: Conflict increases as praise and encouragement decline.

Women often report that in the absence of praise, they tend to assume their husbands’ disapproval. If I were doing it right, you would have said so; something must be wrong.

But men often take the opposite approach. For them, the absence of criticism implies approval. If you were doing it wrong, I would have told you; everything’s OK.

He offers the silence of approval, but she hears the silence of complaint. A husband who is perfectly pleased with his wife, but hasn’t bothered to say so, may find an unexpected conflict waiting in the wings.

“Marriage should be a duet,” Joe Murray writes. “When one sings, the other claps.”

Invest in dedication by heaping on praise and encouragement. If you don’t praise and encourage your wife, who will?

It’s a thankless and critical world out there, and this is a golden opportunity you have in your partner’s life.

4. Make a lifestyle of gratitude.

The Bible highly recommends the giving of thanks — not merely the feeling of thankfulness, but the audible communication of that gratitude to another.

The expression of gratitude not only encourages the receiver; it has a powerful perspective-correcting effect on the sender too. It drowns out grumbling and complaining, and it shifts the person’s focus; it makes the half-empty glass suddenly appear half full.

You can always find something to gripe about, but we all have plenty to be thankful for too, especially when it comes to our mate. It’s all a matter of perspective.

When you remember to say, “Thank you,” to your mate, you’re also saying, “I notice, I care and I need you.” Those are potent messages, and they’re powerful antidotes against feelings of discouragement and disapproval.

5. Let grace abound.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs” (New Living Translation).

Grace is all about overlooking wrongs. As the proverb suggests, it makes good sense to control our temper and simply let some things go.

When we do that, we “earn respect” from our partners; they begin to think of us as generous and forgiving, and that makes it easier for them to be generous and forgiving in return.

But how can you overlook something that really bothers you? You can’t — and you shouldn’t — if it’s a serious offense.

We’re recommending that you work to create an atmosphere in your home where little things don’t bother you as much. Don’t underestimate the power of this principle: Life is filled with little things.

In a sense, grace is not a separate principle at all, but the culmination of our previous 4 principles. When we spend time together as friends and lovers, when we heap on encouragement and praise, and when we make a habit of saying thank you even for little things, the atmosphere of generosity and goodwill that results is grace.

Conflict begets conflict, and that’s why every couple’s focus should be on preventing conflict before it ever begins. Talk to each other, encourage and thank each other, and let grace abound. You’ll find you’re creating an atmosphere where conflict doesn’t grow.

Adapted with permission from Moody Publishers, copyright 2010. All rights reserved.

https://www.cru.org/us/en/blog/life-and-relationships/marriage/fighting-fair.html

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Learn about disagreements in marriage and how to gain a godly perspective

Tim and Joy Downs

The purpose of marriage is to glorify God by helping to reshape each of us into the person he or she is intended to be.

Conflict is a part of every marriage, whether you’ve been married 7 years or 47. The surprise might be that God has a purpose for conflict.

When we were doing the original research for our book, The Seven Conflicts: Resolving the Most Common Disagreements in Marriage, we interviewed scores of couples.

We found ourselves having a recurring conversation that went like this:

Us: Tell us about the things in your marriage that you seem to argue about over and over again. 

She: We don’t argue.

He: No, we don’t.

Us: Oh. OK… Do you agree about everything?

She: Oh, no, we disagree about things.

He: We just don’t argue. (He takes her hand and they smile.)

She: Like when he gets ready for church, he gets in the car and pulls out in the driveway and waits for me to come out. (She laughs.)

He: I guess we do disagree about that. (He laughs.) It’s like she’s saying, “Your time is unimportant.”

She (dropping his hand): If you’d help get the kids ready, we might be ready sooner.

He: So it’s the kids’ fault? So why does this happen even when the kids aren’t around?

Us (taking notes furiously): Please tell us more about the way you don’t argue.

Differences of Perspective

Throughout our married life, we have often disagreed in our approach to raising our kids.

Joy thinks we should remind the kids each time they go out to take a jacket; Tim thinks they should learn to remember for themselves, and a little frostbite just might do the trick.

Joy thinks we should install Internet-filtering software on our home computer to protect the kids from accidentally going to inappropriate sites; Tim thinks the kids should know that the sites are there, but develop the self-control not to visit them.

Over time, we began to recognize our differences were all part of a single disagreement. When it came to our kids, Joy instinctively placed their security above all else, and Tim instinctively valued their autonomy.

There’s nothing wrong with either perspective. The problem is that each of us instinctively approaches all child-rearing decisions from our own perspective.

After years of lengthy “discussions” we realized 2 critical things: that we were not really battling about jackets and computers at all, and that we were on the same side.

We simply chose different paths to our common goal: a mature and thriving child.

Fundamental Areas of Disagreement

Was it possible that there were more fundamental issues like this, more instinctive blind spots that were the root of other disagreements?

We finally identified 7 fundamental areas of disagreement.

We discussed our conclusions with other couples and found they had recurring disagreements over the same 7 issues. Then over 2 years, as we traveled and spoke at marriage conferences across the nation, we surveyed our audiences.

There seemed to be 7 common underlying issues that are the root cause of most of the conflict in married life:

1. Security
2. Loyalty
3. Responsibility
4. Caring
5. Order
6. Openness
7. Connection

In an article this short we can’t go into all 7 conflicts, so we’ll look at just one.

One Example: Security

In your marriage, one of you will instinctively place a higher value on security. Security is the need to be safe, the desire to know that you and yours are protected from harm.

Dangers come in many forms: physical and emotional, real and imagined. Desire for security typically takes the form of the desire for protection and the desire for provision.

Protection in its most basic form is the instinct for survival, but it also includes the longing for safety, stability and even comfort.

Provision is the desire to make sure everyone has enough, a desire that makes it necessary to both collect and save.

Trash or Treasure

Let’s look at a disagreement from a couple we interviewed. See if you can spot the root of security underneath.

He: Look what I found in the trash can. Our toaster!

She: It’s our old toaster.

He: You weren’t going to throw it away, were you?

She: Of course. We just bought a brand-new one.

He: But it still works.

She: Why would we save the old toaster when we have a brand-new one?

He: What if the new one breaks? It’s good to have a backup.

She: Jack, our attic is filled with “backups.”

He: Why would you throw away a perfectly good toaster?

She: If it was “perfectly good,” why in the world did we buy a new one?  

He: I just don’t like to waste things. I guess my family didn’t have money to burn like yours did.

The husband’s desire to save a worn-out toaster seems downright irrational to his wife – and he has a hard time explaining it himself.

He doesn’t want a toaster; he wants security. If one toaster breaks, now they have another. They’re protected and they can provide, even if it’s only half-browned toast.

But the argument is about to get ugly. In his desperation to provide a rational explanation for his desire, the man suggests that it’s really all his wife’s problem. She is wasteful, and, worse than that, she picked up the bad habit from her family.

“The best defense is a good offense,” the old saying goes, and this man has put it into practice.

But he has forgotten another ancient piece of wisdom:

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1, New American Standard Bible).

Now this couple may spend the rest of the evening arguing about anything but security.

God Has A Purpose for Marriage

The Bible’s most revolutionary teaching on the subject of marriage is not about roles, or commitment, or even conflict resolution; the Bible’s most profound insight is that there is a purpose for marriage.

The purpose of marriage is to glorify God by helping to reshape each of us into the person he or she is intended to be.

If we tell ourselves that the only purpose of marriage is personal fulfillment, then we will view all unfulfilling elements of the marriage as hindrances to that goal.

But what if we begin to believe that the purpose of marriage is to help reshape us into the people God intends us to be, and that conflict can play a positive role in that process? As our thinking changes, so will we.

In our own marriage, once we learned to identify the 7 conflicts and each realized what the other person valued, our attitudes changed.

We wanted to help fulfill the other’s dreams rather than stubbornly defend our own turf. Everybody wins.

https://www.cru.org/us/en/blog/life-and-relationships/marriage/marriage-why-fight.html

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By Joe McKeever

Photo by charliebarker.

“For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and smoother than oil is her speech.” (Proverbs 4:3)

Before there was a folk singer by that name, James Taylor was a professor of preaching. This veteran teacher of preachers held forth in classrooms at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary for many years. One day, in a room filled with young preacher boys, Dr. Taylor cautioned us about the temptations we would be facing.

“The day will come when a woman will sit in your office and proposition you. She will make herself available to you sexually. If your marriage is in trouble or if you are not up-to-date in your relationship with your Lord, you could get in big trouble fast.”

I raised my hand. “Dr. Taylor,” I said, “do you really believe that every one of us in this room will face this?” My mind was incapable of imagining a scenario in which a woman–any woman–would sit in a pastor’s office and try to seduce him.

“Yes, I do,” he said. “Even you, McKeever.”

That got a laugh.

I lived to see that day. (Fifteen years after she sat in my office making herself available to the young preacher, while preaching in another state, I spotted that woman and her husband–the same husband whose antics had given her cause to seek my counsel originally–in the congregation. I was thankful I had gotten this thing right in my office that day.)

The writer of Proverbs tried to do the same thing Dr. Taylor did for us in seminary that day: prepare the young lad for what he would be facing down the road.

“My son, give attention to my wisdom, incline your ear to my understanding;

That you may observe discretion, and your lips may reserve knowledge.

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and smoother than oil is her speech; But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword.

Her feet go down to death, her steps lay hold of Sheol. She does not ponder the path of life; her ways are unstable, she does not know it.” (Proverbs 4:1-6)

The remedy for this–in a sense, the armor which protects one from such a vamp–the writer goes on to say, is to “drink water from your own cistern” (4:15). He gets rather explicit in his counsel to a young husband to satisfy himself intimately with his wife and with no one else.

Many a man of God has sabotaged his own ministry by sexual sin.

They’re all through scripture. We think of the sons of Eli, the high priest. “The sons of Eli were worthless men; they did not know the Lord” (I Samuel 2:12). “They lay with the women who served at the doorway of the tent of meeting” (2:22).The Lord had no patience with such antics and put them out of business quickly (4:11).

There is the story of David and Bathsheba (II Samuel chapter 11), which came after David’s struggle to become king had succeeded and life had gotten easy for him. His “ministry” was damaged permanently and his usefulness to God greatly diminished.

Timothy was a young pastor, and therefore needed to be forewarned about this kind of temptation. His mentor, the Apostle Paul, spoke of the time when men in the church–not the world!–would be “treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power” (II Timothy 3:4-5). He was to “avoid such men as these.”

These are the kind of men, Paul says, “who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses….” (3:6).

Sometimes women are the victims, sometimes they are the victimizers.

Many a pastor has paid the ultimate price for sexual sins.

If temptation would tell the truth, no minister would ever succumb to its enticements. If the allurement to commit adultery would adhere to a “truth in advertising” code, the “full disclosure” would read something like this:

“Subject needs to understand that by crossing this line and entering into a sexual relationship with this person, the minister will be despising His Lord, delighting the enemy, violating his marriage vows, disappointing everyone who ever believed in him from his youth until now, destroying his family, and ending his ministry..”

No one would ever commit adultery if he was required to sign that!

The devil, however, has no intention of ever revealing a list of side effects. Listen to him and you would think to disobey God is the way to fulfillment and happiness.

The sinning minister fools himself into believing all kinds of lies, most of them originating with the one Jesus called “the father of lies” (John 8:44). He convinces himself that “I deserve this, no one will ever know, I can have all the wonderful things in my life and this forbidden fruit also,” and then, there is the clincher–”This feels so good, it can’t be wrong.”

Too late does he find out the truth of the old adage, that sin will take you farther than you wanted to go, keep you longer than you wanted to stay, and cost far more than you ever intended to pay.

Here are 7 women, young pastor, to watch out for in your ministry.

1) The woman who wants to be your wife.

She is unhappily married. Her husband has disappointed her in a hundred ways. Sitting in church week after week, it occurs to her that you are everything she has ever wanted in a husband. You are kind and gracious, thoughtful and spiritual. You love the Lord and are devoted to your family. You earn a good living and you do not drink or smoke or hang out in bars. So, she fixates on you.

Now, if she were rational, she would know that by seducing you–or winning you, however she would put it–all of those wonderful qualities she admires would suddenly go away: your ministry, your family, your income, the respect with which you are held in the town, your joy in life even.

In most cases, she thinks clearly enough not to actually try to break up your marriage (although that has happened often enough). She merely feels a strong attraction to you and puts herself in a position for you to pick up on it. Consciously or unconsciously, she becomes a trap for the unsuspecting minister.

2) The woman who wants to be your mother.

She will smother you with attention, inundate you with goodies she cooked “just because I knew you liked these,” and make life miserable for you. If you never suffered from claustrophobia before, you do now.

It’s not so much that she poses a sexual danger to you as that by allowing and encouraging this attention from her, you will give occasion to gossips to ply their trade. Avoiding “the appearance of evil” is always a good principle (I Thessalonians 5:22).

3) The woman who wants to be your lover.

This one has a particular allurement to the minister whose relationship with his wife has grown stale. This really is the woman the Proverb-writer describes. And, in case one wonders, I seriously doubt that Solomon wrote this. The man with 1,000 girlfriends is in no position to offer such advice as we find in Proverbs 4! (Although he surely knew the truth of it!)

Such a woman seems to be amoral, without a sense of wrongness about anything she does. She justifies making herself available to the minister by statements such as: “You deserve this,” “God wants all of us to be happy, don’t you agree?” and “No one ever has to know; I certainly won’t tell.”

The thing to keep in mind, pastor, is that this woman making herself so available to you with no strings attached–that’s what she says, although we know better!–does not look like a Jezebel, painted and padded and bejeweled. You will not know her by her adornments.

She may be the pretty wife of a deacon, the friend of your wife, or a church member who came to you for counsel. No one would ever pick her out of a crowd as a party-girl. But she is your biggest enemy.

4) The woman who wants to be your best friend.

She wants to confide in you as to who is doing what with whom in the church. She is a gossip.

She wants you to (ahem) “feel free to come to me anytime you need to talk to someone.” She wants to be your counselor.

In order to pull that off, her primary tactic involves a) spending a lot of time around you, perhaps volunteering in the office but more likely volunteering as your personal assistant, b) telling you intimate things about her own life, and c) asking you to unburden yourself with her.

If she cannot worm her way into your life any other way, look for her to befriend your wife and begin showing up in your home on a regular basis. Unless your wife is on your team, nothing about this is good from that moment on.

5) The woman you want.

There she is, the girl of your dreams. Maybe not the most beautiful woman in the world, but all things considered–her looks, her personality, her laughter, her spirituality, and a few other qualities that defy description–she is everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You get all swimmy-headed around her. You wonder if she does not pick up on all the vibrations your body is sending out.

There are a few problems, of course. You’re married and she’s married, for starters. And so you wisely tell yourself this can never be, that regardless of how wonderful she is, she is off-limits to you.

The problem is you keep being drawn to her and thrown with her (committees, work projects, etc). Because proximity fosters intimacy, unless you do something quickly, you are a goner.

In most cases, you cannot tell your wife this. You need a mentor who will be tough with you. If you have none, find yourself one now! Confide in him before you make the mistake of your life.

6) The woman who doesn’t know what she wants.

In most cases, this mixed up lady has come to you for counsel, asking you to tell her what to do. You listen to her whole complex life story.

Nothing about her is your ideal. You have never fantasized about her or anyone like her.

So, how does she become a problem to you? By her repeated visits to your office.

It’s a matter of focus. In sketching perhaps a hundred thousand people over these many years, I’ve found that everyone has a certain beauty and attractiveness about them. By focusing on the individual and not comparing them with anyone else, we can see it. In the seclusion of the counseling room, as she unburdens herself with intimate details of her life, the minister may feel emotionally drawn to her.

The problem then becomes you, pastor, and not her.

Pastors should almost never become professional counselors. When church members come to you for help with problems, if it cannot be solved in a session or two, refer them to a trained professional.

Pastor Ed Young of Houston’s Second Baptist Church told some of us pastors once that we should not counsel at all. “All you need is for someone–man, woman, or child–to run out of the office accusing you of something, and your ministry is gone!”

He’s right. Pastor Young said when someone says to him following a church service, “I need to talk to you sometime,” he says,”Let’s sit in this pew right now and talk.” It’s in public and it will be done quickly.

I hate that life has come to this, but it has, and we have to deal with it.

7) The woman you work most closely with in ministry.

Once again, it’s a matter of focus. The minister of worship meets with the organist (or pianist or his personal assistant or whoever) on a regular basis to plan the services. The youth minister has frequent conferences with his secretary or a young woman in the church who assists in programming. The pastor meets with his children’s director or ministry assistant or the head of the women’s ministry or the chair of his personnel or finance committee.

Beware, minister. You must be proactive in heading off any possibility of a compromised situation.

Billy Graham decided early in his ministry never to be alone with a woman at any time. Some might find that extreme, but say what you will, his long and very public evangelistic ministry was never tainted in the least by sexual scandal or innuendo.

The most important woman in the church to you the minister.

Your wife must be your lover, your intimate friend, your best adviser and strongest counselor, and your “mother” (the one who cooks your favorite dishes and is always there for you).

Let the home fires get cold and you are setting yourself up for trouble, pastor. This is why the writer of Proverbs urged the young man he was mentoring to “drink water from your own cistern, and fresh water from your own well.” He says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 4:15-23).

A pastor I know makes frequent mention of his wife from the pulpit. He makes it abundantly clear that he loves her dearly and, may I say, you get the impression that their intimate relationship is strong. He makes sure the church knows and supports his devotion to his wife and family, which means (among other things) that his off-time is as holy as his time in the office.

When he counsels women in his office, my pastor friend takes care. The door has a small window which allows anyone to see inside. At an agreed-upon time, his assistant phones to allow him an excuse to end the session. He is not a hugger.

Oh, about this hugging business.

Stop it, pastor. You may hug anyone under 6 and over 66. Other than that, keep your hands to yourself.

Rationalize it how you will, the hugging pastor is usually trying to get some need of his own met by this physical activity. And, justify it however he tries, I guarantee you there are plenty of women in the church who would be thrilled to learn he will not be touching them in this way again.

We have talked all around it and must not end this little essay without admitting it:

Often, the sexual temptation arises solely from within the minister, and not from the woman.

Sometimes, Lord help us, he is the predator.

My mentor in the ministry, Dr. James Richardson, long in Heaven by now, used to say, “That come-on the preacher sees coming from some woman in the church may be merely the reflection of the gleam in his own eye.”

Get your act together, man of God. Be strong in the Lord. Recognize that “your adversary the devil prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (I Peter 5:8).He would like nothing better than to destroy you, make a laughingstock of you in the community, end your ministry, and hurt those dearest to you.

Don’t let him.

Resist the devil by being strong in the Lord.

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Scott Williams

Did you know that a third of all divorce filings contain the word “Facebook”?

But before you go telling all your friends that “a third of all marriages end because of Facebook,” recognize what the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers report really says.

The truth is Facebook is mentioned in one-third of divorce filings.

Several of those filing papers make reference to an online relationship. Some husbands or wives even declared their intention to break up through Facebook, email or Instagram. But a great number of the divorce papers use Facebook messages or wall posts to make a case for divorce by pointing out a spouse’s uncivil behavior or poor parenting skills.

The widespread use of electronic media today makes it almost certain that Facebook and Instagram could be used by lawyers to build a legal web to snare an uncommitted spouse. And that’s on the rise.

Consider that three years ago, 20 percent of divorce filings contained the word “Facebook.” Whatever the case, social media is definitely playing an increasing role in families and family breakups.

More important than that, the level of social media engagement in our culture today is evidence that we’re putting a lot of time into passing interactions with others and not enough time in deep relationship building with our spouse.

Recently, I saw a comment on one of FamilyLife’s Facebook pages by a husband who took a little passing snipe at his wife for everyone to see. He was probably reaching out for help in an area of frustration in his marriage. But those kinds of comments, when read by a spouse, often make the problem worse by feeding a sense of embitterment or hurt.

Here are some principles that may help keep social media interactions from becoming words in a divorce filing:

1. Keep everything in the open. If you don’t have a joint husband/wife account (on Facebook, for example) make sure what you say online is nothing you couldn’t say with your spouse standing there beside you. Before messaging, ask yourself, “Is this something I wouldn’t mind my spouse seeing?” You may even consider letting your spouse read it first. It’s good for accountability, and it’s a good way to double-check that what you’ve written isn’t miscommunicating what you meant.
2. Say what you need to say … and say it to the right person. Rather than gripe about a marital problem on social media, talk directly with your spouse. If you think it might hurt feelings or get you in hot water, think of a way you can soften the blow when you raise the issue. In most cases, the following approach is helpful: “I know you care about me, and I know you probably didn’t think about it, but I feel (insert your emotion) when you (insert the offense). I don’t want problems to build that will isolate us. Can we work through this together?”
3. Use social media to build each other up. It’s never been easier than it is right now to send a note to each other for no reason at all, or to brag about your spouse in front of others. Social media makes it easy to connect with each other while you’re apart during the day, and that will keep a relationship from drifting. Just make sure that what you say online is reinforced by what you say and do when you see each other in person.
4. When you’re together, come together. It’s very easy, even when you’re home, to drift to your own individual social media corners. By the end of the evening, you realize that you’ve hardly spoken a word. This happens with parent-child relationships, too. Set your personal devices aside and plan some face time (the real thing, not the Apple product.)

Above all else, remember these two driving principles of building and maintaining a relationship:

• The value of your relationship depends on the amount each of you invests in it.
• If you aren’t intentional about growing toward oneness, you’re automatically drifting toward isolation.

Don’t become a social media marriage casualty. Be intentional about strengthening your marriage and about avoiding the things that could potentially destroy it.

copyright © 2014 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

https://www.cru.org/us/en/communities/families/dont-become-a-social-media-marriage-casualty.html

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